This is not mine.

I found this post on tumblr. It is not mine and I wish that whoever wrote this had signed their name. 

a note to self 

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you. 

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and  three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment. 

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring. 

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. 

Live.

Live.

Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

It has put a lot into perspective for me. I am finally starting to live for me, I think I have said that before, but now it is true. 

Things I like. Or that amaze me, or that I am obsessed with.

people with passion, and who are artistic. I think because I tend to lack passion, since I have no idea what I want to do with my life these kind of people fascinate me. I am also nowhere near artistic. I can’t draw,I can’t write a song and I can’t play an instrument. I wish I could and I think that is why I am so attracted to people that can do these things.

 

Accents. Specifically ones from the “across the pond” Haha. I love British accents, I love Irish accents. I even love French accents. Just the way that some words sound coming out of someones mouth. Yeah, always been that way for me. I am also obsessed with slang from other countries.

 

Quotes, now this sounds a little weird but I love quotes, either song lyrics or just little things that inspire you or fit into a given situation perfectly. The way that sometimes someone has already said exactly what you wanted or needed to say. I always have either my phone with a notepad or an actual journal with me to be able to remember these things.

 

The way cameras work… I don’t have a regular old fashioned film camera, so I never learned how to develop film, so all of it is a mystery to me. But just the fact that we can capture a moment in time perfectly onto something amazes me. Or the fact that all of us these days have cell phones that are able to take pictures… It’s crazy.

 

Diet coke, coffee, any form of caffeine really. Enough said.

 

Dark Chocolate, I guess that would fall under the former category.

 

Music. I guess if you know me in real life you already know that. Or even if you just know me on the internet you know this fact. I always have it playing, everything I do I do to music, I clean, I cook, I write, I read I fall asleep. It’s the only constant and steady thing in my life. The only thing that has never left me and will never leave me. Again, why I wish I had talent, because music has saved me countless times and I wish that I could help in the saving of someone else.

 

Scarves. No matter what kind of weather I love scarves. I will wear them in the middle of summer.  Actually I love all winter wear, boots, beanies, gloves. I look way cuter when I am layered up and ready for the cold. Damn shame I grew up in Southern California.

 

Disney. Fuck it, I am not an adult yet I guess. Or even as an “adult” I am still going to love going to Disneyland and watching Disney movies.

 

Crime tv dramas. Okay well not all of them, but I really really love Criminal Minds, also Veronica Mars (that show was cancelled wayyy too soon in my opinion) I just like the breakdown of a crime and how to solve it. For a while I even thought about being a detective or something, but yeah I don’t think that I am emotionally stable enough for that.

 

Sleep. I don’t always get enough of it, or get it at the right time, but I love sleep.

 

Cooking. I wish that I did it more. and I wish that I would experiment more in the kitchen. But alas, I don’t. When I do I always enjoy it and I am proud of what I have made.

 

People that make me laugh. It’s not hard to do, I laugh a lot. It has been said that the saddest people are the ones that laugh the hardest, so i guess I am proof of that, but I really like people that can make me laugh without trying that hard. I love people that have quick wit and obscure references. I love people that can randomly quote movies or just come up with something so random.

 

I like when people not only text back, but they make conversation, I am not so good on the phone and it takes me a while to warm up to a person to have a conversation, but texting or instant messaging? I can do that shit in my sleep so it makes it easier and fun when someone else can do that and doesn’t mind communicating that way.

 

 

 

Lists. I really like lists.

 

Thankful.

*This is a couple of days late*

So it is thanksgiving and of course what is on everyone’s mind? What they are thankful for. A Facebook status wouldn’t do mine justice. 

 

I am thankful for recovery. I have long been a self-injurer. I won’t deny it. It is a part of me just like anything else. But, I am slowly recovering. Right now I am at 43 days since I have last cut. It is not the biggest number by far, and it is not the smallest. I take it a day at a time.

 

I am thankful for my extended family. My aunt, uncle and cousins have graciously opened their arms and welcomed me into their small town and their world. I have never felt so blessed and more at home. Being here has helped me clear my head and learn to relax. It has helped me start to write again and to breathe. 

 

I am thankful for my immediate family. My mother and my brother for letting me take this journey. Something that I don’t think that I could have done without their support. But also I am thankful for them putting up with me for all of these years, with the ups and the downs, the depression and the crying. For always believing in me and knowing that I was strong enough to figure out my life and what I wanted to do. I am thankful for my mother, even though she drives me fucking crazy sometimes, I know that she wants the best for me and and because of her I know what kind of parent and grown up I want to be.

 

I am thankful for my friends the ones that have stuck by my side for so long.  Our friends are the family that we chose. I know that in the past I have made mistakes with who I considered “family” but these last couple of months have shown me just who I want in my life and who I don’t. Thank you for standing by me when I am up and down. For listening to me cry and for making me laugh, for making drunk mistakes with me and having a hell of a whole lot of fun. You know who you are.

 

I am thankful that I live in a country where I can write things like this. Where I have the freedom to speak my mind and I don’t have to be scared of what will come of it. I honestly think that this is something that I take for grant it or I don’t think about enough, I have the freedom to say whatever I want. I have the freedom to go out whenever I want, dressed however I want (well, to a point) I have the freedom to protest the things that I believe in and I have the freedom to chose. 

 

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, clothes on my back, a warm shower and a warm bed to sleep in. I am thankful for the superficial things in life as well, don’t act like you’re not. I am thankful for a cell phone that can find my way when I am lost, play the music that I want to hear, take pictures to capture the memories that I make and that can call/text anyone I want anytime that I want to talk to them. I am thankful for the fact that Facebook exists, yes we all complain about it, but I have found friends that I haven’t spoke to in ages, and I have met new friends, I am thankful that I can talk to a friend in England for free this way. 

 

I guess the point I am trying to make is that no matter where you are at in life, how low you feel or how amazing you are there is always time to stop and think about the things that make you happy, the things in life that you love, the things in life that you are thankful for. 

❤

You know what really turns me on?

You know what really turns me on? Passion, and no not just the “Oh hot stuff I am gonna jump ya” passion, but the people who pour their heart out into something. Or the people that have any idea what they want to do with their lives, because frankly, I have no fucking idea.

 

 

it’s like you…

it’s like you’re staring down your worst enemy.

and you don’t want to prove him right.

Unbelievably Broken.

I have never felt this horrible in my whole entire life.

I am so broken.

Just goes to show that you cannot trust anyone in this life. 

You cannot wear your heart on your sleeve 

and you cannot tell your secrets.

Crazy to think I once considered A one of my best friends.

and then he basically told me to hurt/kill myself. That he wouldn’t care. 

Misguided Ghost.

Life can only go good for me for so long, I know that is a negative way to look at things, but honestly? I am a pretty negative person. I try to be positive and get bitch-slapped by god or the universe or whatever higher power I believe in. I just have this un-shakable horrible feeling that something really bad is going to happen… Like I can’t put it into words. I can’t sleep, my bones hurt and my head is constantly spinning. Last night I didn’t fall asleep until 8:30 am. With no distractions..  Then take tonight I took a heavy sleeping pill at 9 and was asleep by 10 only to wake up at one. I took another half of one and I am still up at 2:45. It sucks because I knew exactly what I could have done to fall asleep, but I fought it off I won’t let my addiction and my demons get the best of me. I just want to go away for a while, until this passes, whatever this fuckery is. I want to pack a bag and buy a plane ticket to anywhere. I told Adam this several times in the past and his response has always been “What is stopping you?” You know what is stopping me? Life. Life is stopping me. I have built somewhat of a life here, I have a job I can’t just up and leave. I have friends and I have my family. The thing that is stopping me the most? My mother. I hate the fact that I live on my own, I don’t need anything from her. I am self sufficient, I pay my own bills and I have since I was 19, but still I let this woman control so much of my life. Just because all I want is her approval. I want her to look at me and be proud. I want her to be able to trust me and support me and to one day be able to see past my scars and issues. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Just needed to get stuff off my chest, I hate that I feel like I can’t be sad anymore. Someone took that right away from me. Long story. But it’s true.

“Nobody in life gets ex…

“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you. It’s true.”

— Conan O’Brien

 

Happiness.

So I am happy, genuinely happy. And it scares me. That is all.

The Adventures of the sleepless.

Bored. Forgot to take sleeping pill. Damn.

So maybe this is a little late, but yes I forgot to take my sleeping pill and now it is too late. Fuck. I was rearranging my drawers and putting clothes away and thought of the things I should accomplish by the end of the year. 

• Get a passport. Travel. Travel alone.
• Get over a fear. 
• Get healthy. Stick to some sort of routine.
• Learn a skill- Whether it be guitar, bar tending, knitting. Something.
• Try new foods, and cook more interesting things.
• Start writing more often.
• Visit my family in arkansas.
• Complete a college course. something easy.
• Learn to talk to strangers. Not creepy strangers, just people that try to start conversation in a bar. 
• Stop being so socially awkward and dependent on my phone when in public.
• Do more things. 
• Get up on a stage, completely sober.
• Sleep more. Well not more, at reasonable times.
• Grow out my hair. To at least Franky from Skins’ length. 
• See more movies in theaters.
• Read 10 contemporary novels and 7 classic ones.
• Have my room clean for more than a week. and organize the stuff on my walls.
• Arrange my dvd and book collections
• take more pictures. Record more things.
• Make more internet type friends. I know this sounds weird but the couple of them that I have made have been awesome. 
• Drink less. 
• and lastly DFTBA.